a wish

Today, I wish for you an ordinary day of miracles...
An unexpected phone call from an old friend,
Green traffic lights on your way to work,
A good sing-along on the radio,
Your keys right where you left them.
I wish for you a day of happiness and perfection...
Little bite-size pieces of perfection that give you the funny feeling
that SOMEONE is smiling on you,
and holding you so gently because
you are someone special and rare.
I wish you a day of Peace, Happiness and Joy.

things I will probably never understand

I will never understand the doctor's at mike's hospital
i will probably never understand why mike feels the need to cut
i will probably not understand the dark side of depression
i will never fully understand that there is going to be sunshine on the other side of this pain


i will not really get the culture of the indian tribes around us and their sense of entitlement
i won't fully understand why people use drugs like meth and cocaine
i won't understand why some couples have 5 kids and some none


i will probably not come close to understanding why people are mean and uncaring
or why people are just not helpful when there is a need.

i will somehow continue to learn and grow and seek... I will hold tight to Jesus and those around me.....

just saying hi

i hope you all had a great Christmas
ours was quiet and nice
thanks to Jean for letting us be part of your family
thanks to James and Jean for hanging with me the day after
thanks to Savan for sticking with me
its so quiet without mike and jake but we are making it!

attn: girl who called, not nice to no show

i still have shopping to do.
yes I work, yes I have store
and yes I went to 3 open houses this weekend
when I should have been shopping
tonight I knew we wouldn't be busy with all the snow
so I thought I would leave at 6:30
6:15, unknown caller rings.. "can I come work on a project"
"SURE!" I reply (stupid me, stupid me)
7:01 no customer. grrrrrrr
I should have been shopping and be home at a decent hour
cest le vie... its just time, right?

Amazing

I have officially met the GREATEST photographer on earth. She knew our style she is incredibly affordable and just a JOY to be around. Savannah says that Michelle is her new BFF........If you are looking for someone who is caring, professional and talented, I know just the girl. Email me or drop me a comment

Beauty from Pain

This is a song by Superchick....and it was on a mix cd... it really spoke to me this week. I need a reminder that this journey though painful and way too long will be worth it in the end.

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away
After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
Here and I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn

thoughts from the dark side

this is know
people who don't return phone calls are not nice and piss me off
people who blow other people off are not nice
people who say mean things and make me cry are horribe awful beings
everytime my mom goes out of town i cry
i need new boots so i can kick mean people
i got a diet coke today on my desk from my secret sister, she rocks
savannah has to get her drivers license or i am going to make her go away
i hate housesitting for my folks almost as much as mean people
i love my store and the angels who help me there
i hate crying at my desk
i am sick of having a sick husband
i am done with being nice, I might swear more too
i am sure that God doesn't care about this drama as much as I do
and I am sick of talking about it
i just want a new life, a vacation and some new fun clothes....
man I sound pretty awful

tell me again why...

i would trust anyone in the medical profession any longer..
my husband tells me a week ago that he has red blood in his stool
today he tells me in addition to that he is peeing bright red blood.
but no one cares.... its the weekend, don't you know?

mike tells me there is no one there till tomorrow.
I finally can't take it anymore
I call back and some asshole who tells me he is mike's med nurse
tells me this isn't an urgent issue. I let him know that if he were
home we would haul his sorry ass to the urgent care and get some
antibiotics. This sorry sucker of a nurse tells me we have a
differing of opinion and send me to the charge
this nicer nurse Brian tells me he doesn't know anything about
blood, i repeat the story, he tells me he will get right on it.
i am so pissed i could spit nails. I tell ya if mike isn't successful
in killing himself while locked away in a hospital by God they will.

a full day

While many of you were fighting the crowds for the perfect holiday gifts....today I went to work at the normal time and stopped off to get some breakfast at Taco Time. When I got to the window I handed the girl my money and she wouldn't take it, she told me that person in front of me paid and said Merry Christmas. It was such a blessing and a random act. It really made me smile.

I had lunch w/my dear friend Michelle Bly. She is such a pal to me, I can't describe it. She is a successful, intelligent, beautiful person who loves God and her whole being lights up, but she is fierce if given the chance. We share our hearts freely and she is a dear to me.

After work I met Savannah at the Festival of Trees. She was helping with all the dancers from River City. We were able to see Caylie and Ashlyn do their tap as well! Lookin' good girls!!!

We found some ice cream and then were off to a memorial service. My good pals, Kim and Brian, their grandma Mary passed away last week. Tonight was a time of sharing and prayers. It was so special, she truly loved the Lord and impacted so many lives. I was able to steal away Shelby and Taylor Cook and Nicole Kraut (my friends daughters) for a craft nite at the store. It was great seeing the girls smile and laugh when they were crying just moments before. They are amazing cousins, all very unique, loving and kind. It was such a memorable nite and I am thankful their folks allowed me some time with them. Savannah fit right in with them like she was a cousin.

Finally home and off to bed.... to do it all again tomorrow nite.

Being Thankful

I wanted to be Thankful today in photos and links... just to have fun....

Tami, Cori, Amanda, Melissa, Jean, Randi Jo, Brenda and so many more make me smile,

put up with me and help me find my way......

and those far away that are dear to me. Steph, Laurie, and too many to list.

(these are all in random order)

play along

this is kind of fun what kind of thanksgiving side dish are you?
I am Green Bean casserole!

just thoughts

things that make me smile
diet coke (surprise surprise)
my dogs
project runway and top chef
dinner at Fazzari's with savan
watching savannah dance
random emails from friends
fresh baked cookies
creating at my store

things make me want to kick someone
professional photographers with horrible customer service
my daughters back brace
medical bills on my counter
depression and ocd
rainy days
too much laundry
nosy co-workers
not being able to fix the world
slow drivers on main street

confused...

this is a weird time for me
half of me wants to be so excited that its the holidays.
great music playing in the background,
lights on all the houses as you drive down the street
decorations going up all over

but half of my life is missing
mike is gone and at times i miss him horribly
i don't really know what i miss
he has been sick for a long long time
and he's never done well around the holidays
but i miss having him here. i miss just being in his presence
i miss jake too. its just been since march that he moved to his mom's

the kids usually spent Thanksgiving with their mom
'cause she did a big ole spread
thankfully this year savannah is staying home
I don't know what I would do if she left

i worked at the store today
making a darling vintage set of joy letters and a matching snowman
but the whole time i was sad
i don't plan on being sad, it just comes upon me
mike's birthday was Friday and he didn't want us to come and celebrate
this week will be Thanksgiving
i have to work at the State and hopefully help out at the store too

i want smile sincerely
laugh freely
and enjoy my family
but in reality i am sad, lonely and feeling awkward
those are way out of my character.....

some people will do caffeine free or chocolate free
I do Mike free (afterall diet coke has caffeine)
I went 4 days without talking to him
I needed a mental break
time to not sulk and worry to not fret with an upset stomach
instead to try to be happy and rest.

there was a power crafting nite with close friendsi
a craft fair with a ton of friends and new faces
an 85th birthday party with Mrs Jones
more work, grocery shopping and more

today he finally called.. funny he asked me why I hadn't called
ironic.... i told him i was on a break.
thankfully randi jo showed up at the store and needed help
so I got to hang up and not have this long drawn out conversation
he would have reminded me how hard it is being away, blah blah blah.

stop the world and let me off

so i have been sick for a few days, just a common cold but i am not getting better.
to top it off i have an upset stomach as well, my friends would atribute that to stress... i just find it annoying cause really i have a life like everyone else, right?

today i left work early.
let me back up to yesterday to tell you why
mike and i were talking... just trying to carry on a conversation
and he told me he was really scared 'cause he was going to have a blood draw and
he has had thoughts of stealing the syringe and killing himself w/ it
he told me that they were going to have extra staff available for safety etc.
what is hard for me is that these intusive thoughts are directly his OCD, they is only a .02% chance that he would act on them. This staff doesn't take time to remind him that he is okay
they can work with him on this, to really encourage him to get well. instead its like they create
him to be a monster. after talkin to him for a few times I finally called the nurse to tell her of my concerns.

today i got a phone call from his clinician (who is my contact person) and mike was there too
it was this long drawn out conversation, i won't bore you with the details, but it was stressful and sad for me. I was told that if i ever think mike isn't safe i am to tell him and he is to tell the nurse. I can't call and check on him at all. I can only check with him. i know I am not using enough words but mike has been gone since july. By choice I have only seen him twice. when I see him its an in 8 x8 room for about 20-30 mins. There are times that I just need reassurance that he is okay and I am not allowed to get that. I feel helpless and hopeless and that staff could careless. in reality this is just about him and they don't give a damn about the family. i am so sick of him being in this perfect place, getting everything he needs, being told when to sleep, when to eat, how to feel, what to think and i am on the outside, not seeing him, not able to be near him or touch him, not able to know he is okay. not able to see the progress they tell me about instead just hear how sad he sounds on the phone or how hopeless he is. he constantly is making plans to kill himself or escape so he can get killed. yet.. no one cares about how i feel about that.
the hardest part of all of this is that really our whole family is sick, we all got sucked into the vortex of his alcoholism, depression and suiciduality but he is the only one who gets help. Sure I have the most amazing friends in the world who love me beyond belief, and listen to me and although have no clue what I am feeling or need stick with me and try their best. they don't know that at times I pray that I don't end up just like him, (they know NEVER EVER to think of taking me to a 5th floor, remember there is no diet coke there and I only go where there is diet coke) they don't see the tears as I drive home or make yet another single parent decision, they don't see the frustration as I read the mail and glance at the basket of medical bills. no one can really know what its like to wonder why on earth would i love someone who at times hates me, is horrible and so sick. i don't have words to explain or defend, i don't know what makes mike tick, we don't get to talk about what we are going to do for his birthday, our 10 year anniversary or that we need to get some laundry done. heck.... my tub hasn't been cleaned in a month and i could care less... people my husband wants to die everyday it seems to be a little more important then the shine on my bathroom floor. my husbands illness is lonely and selfish and wrong, but i sad "I do, I will and yes Lord" 10 years ago and until God rains on my parade and lets me know here I am.... but I still ask.. when does it end, when do we get better, when do we feel okay, when do we sleep thru the nite and not wake up worried that the phone is ringing, when will i come home from work and he is making dinner or we go to lunch and laugh, when do i get to be near him again? i am tired of being strong and keeping it together. i am tired of smiling when things aren't okay. you know?

i want to look forward to the holidays and to the decorations, sites and sounds. I want to hear the music and be hopeful, instead I am just sad and i am tired of talking about it.

a day away

woke up with a cold. darn it, now who gave it to me?
12 minute orthodontist appointment, what was the point?
michaels- fun things for the store
didn't feel like Sangria, now I must have been feeling ill to not want Sangria
so we had Denny's and I had breakfast. Pure comfort food
Orthopedic surgeon, he is fully invested in seeing Savannah dance again
the MRI ruled out disc problems and still indicate a fracture in her back
he has order a bone scan and also a cat scan. Then back again next week
we are closer but she can't dance yet.

i am sure this will make you laugh...
mike called me and told me he is making plans to get out of the hospital
i of course asked many questions about what those plans would look like
he just didn't know. the reality is he is no where near ready to come home
he is just as sick as when he was admitted this summer.

We need people to work this weekend on some projects, let me know if you are interested
We need to craft, craft, craft!

agenda for Thursday

can you say SLEEPIN' IN!
we don't have to be in Pullman 'till 11am
that means we aren't leaving until 10:15... woohoo!
Orthodontist @ 11am
lunch at Sangria
Orthopedic surgeon 1:45pm
maybe some Michael's fun
then home

what a day! I think we need a day

just when you think...

I thought maybe 'cause the sun was shining and the rain went away I might be okay.
I might have a better attitude and not so much pure hate for anyone in the medical field
but I am wrong.
How many times has someone in our family been to Tri State recently? I mean come on, how many? Well today Savan had her MRI so I thought instead of torture her I would go along
wrong, huge mistake. I am pissed again.
pissed because there are laws that make no sense. pissed because my 17 year old is smart and able to make her own decisions, I can't go into the treatment room, I can't even know what the treatment is, but she can't have the MRI without my signature. unless its pregnancy related. let's just clarify that yes I am UBER THANKFUL that she isn't pregnant but come on as long as I am paying what does it matter that I am there. Remember this is my blog so don't flame me and say that I have to sign, blah blah blah. If she were in a car wreck they would treat her without me being there. don't deny it.

I know I know you are sick of me complaining. I just don't have enough vacation/sick time to go to every little thing that she doesn't need me for. What if I had someone take her like I often do, Amanda, Jamie, etc. could they have signed? only God knows.

I think this will make you laugh. I didn't go see Mike this weekend. I just couldn't. I needed to have a mike free weekend. I needed to rest my mind. He told me today that he was plotting his escape. But I am not allowed to tell anyone with this current plan they have in place. I am supposed to tell him to tell someone. CHA RIGHT~ like he is going to do that!

With OCD the more he obsesses with an escape plan the worse he gets but the reality is... no one cares but me 'cause its not about me. I am still really pissed, I mean MAD about the way I was treated last week. I am trying to focus my energy on my store an the things I am good at rather than the shitty not fun things in my life. Queenie has some plans up here sleeves in the next few weeks. So watch out, we might show up where you least expect us...

a good day

thanks to two amazing girls i had a day off today
it was needed and good
we ran a few errands
strolled thru JoAnn's and braved our way thru WalMart
i don't ever recommend that
we then landed at Jean's.
we visited, listened to great music
she made us an amazing dinner
and we played cards
i got lost in someone else's world today
savan and i just were
that is rare for us and yet so good

thanks tami and cori. i love you. i mean really thank you for today

finally!

I am so excited
I have a medical professional that I don't think should be on fire. Its a great thing
Savanny went to an amazing doctor today in Pullman. He is an orthopedic who specializes in athletes. He spent over an hour with her, had her do some ballet and really talked to her and listend. He didn't talk down to her, he didn't assume, he didn't automatically recommend surgical intervention. I am very relieved and very thankful. My mom said that he is a good person (I know this doesn't matter but right now I take character very seriously) She is going to have an MRI and see him next week. There is a possibility its her hip but more likely its her back. He is looking at L1, L2 and there is already... Scoliosis; is a medical condition in which a person's spine is curved from side to side, and may also be rotated. There is a pars defect at L5, but its likely from an earlier injury. (its a stress fracture)
finally good news ~ that feels good

do over

if i could have a do over of today
i would pay whatever it would cost
my heart is broken
i am spent
i am hurt, offended, and sad
i can't stop crying every time
i think of my meeting today at
the hospital. my goal is to make
it thru one more day at work.
today i let out random sobs
and continually wiped my eyes

i am thankful for savan
my dogs
my friends
my store....

maybe tomorrow i will be more okay

right now i just need a do-over

a fun party !!!!

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

more in my mixed up life....

I thought I might take the day off today from swearing.... but then I called to check on Mike that is never good.
... some of you I told that he was given the choice to carve pumpkins as rec therapy on Sat
do you think that its a good idea to give knives to someone who chooses to cut/carve on this hands, and is suicidual? Just asking
... today there were NO groups, nothing for him to do but sleep, smoke and watch TV. that is great when you are locked in a hospital and depressed. REAL great.
... here is where the swearing happens. I called to speak to him nurse. She told me she wouldn't talk to me, I could talk to Mike. I already did that and that is why I am calling. I wanted to know a general answer to a question. It was "what groups were offered to patients today" she told me she didn't work and she didn't know. I asked her to check that chart and tell me. She told me to call back and speak to the charge. I told her there was someone else I could talk too, she said no.
She interupted me, was disrespectful and wouldn't answer any questions. She told me to call back or talk to Mike. I wanted to know that my suicidual husband was safe and getting the help he needed, instead I was treated like I was an idiot. Oh for the love of anything that is good.... that lady is going to regret speaking to him like that and in that tone. Can you believe she wouldn't take time to tlak to me, she wouldn't tell me what they did today or even offer to reassure me that he was okay..... I will be speaking with her boss tomorrow and the director and my director. There will be answers. I mean it.

I thought this hospital was going to be different, I think someting is going wrong. you know?

fuuny thing i heard today

i was able to see mike today.
it was the first time since early Aug
a hug never felt so real and so comforting
he smiled, we chatted, then he laughed.
i hope you find this as funny as we did
i asked him what his choices for fun were today
he told me a movie, or pumpkin carving....
that is where we laughed, i mean laughed
do they really allow patients in a psych ward
to CARVE pumpkins??????

we did get to go outside accompanied by a staff
and mike got to play with our dog buster.
it was really fun seeing them interact.
i just might make it now... at least for a few more days

WARNING -HEAVY SWEARING....

Okay once again I am fighting off alligators who are eating my legs.
I started off my day by driving to pullman to see my life coach.....
I really like her, but I don't like that she asks me questions like this :" How do you cope with all that is going on?" I thought that I was there so she can give me some ideas to cope, obviously obscene amounts of diet coke isn't always working out so well.
Then I dealt with a store issue of a vendor who constantly fucks up before my mom could call and rip their heads off one by one. This is our album vendor and I can't afford to not do business with them, BUT they constantly don't do well on the billing and customer service.
Then I get to work only to find out that mike has not met with his therapist and won't likely see one till next Wednesday. He won't even be working on his treatment plan for at least a week. In the meantime he will likely become suicidual and that is a road I never want him to go down.
Then I got the call that Savannah needs several x-ray's. And we have to wait for the MRI till the doctor calls back. She was telling me how bad her hip hurt so I tried the doctor again in Pullman. His receptionist have told me several times that he doesn't take hips, but we have been told by three different people that we need to see him since she dances. The U of W ortho dance institute highly recommended him. So I tried again, the receptionist gave me grief and I started to cry, then suddenly I was talking to a girl named Amanda. She was his asst and stated the front desk was wrong and he took hip injuries in atheletes and we could even come see him next week. Can you imainge my relief. So tomorrow we go to Tri State and get x-ray's and then we will hand carry them to the appt next week. Only problem. I have training that day and no coverage, no back up plan. So my mom will have to take her. I would like to say that I am a superhero and can do it all but somewhere I have lost my cape and I am tired. My daughter is so important to me and I want her out of pain, I just don't know how to get out of work. FUCK FUCK FUCK! I have to work in order to live. Now I need to find someone to work at the store that day so mom can take her.
I need to rest and relax and watch stupid tv shows. I need to not worry about mike and savanny and just focus on diet coke and things that make me happy. Today I was told to not worry about mike he is safe and it will all fall into place..... in the meantime enjoy the fall leaves. oh my HOLY GOD how can I enjoy fall leaves or anything fun....... when the two I love are hurting so badly and I can't fix them.

mike is on the move

today is moving day for mike
he will transfer from Intermountain hospital in Boise
to the State Hospital North in Orofino

this is a blessing and a transition
i know its good
i know its right
i just want him well

please pray with us today

sometimes

sometimes i feel like I am on of those people walking down the street and there are just masses of people and I can't quite cross to where I need to go
sometimes i feel like i need to get off of a carnival ride and can't get the guy's attention to stop
sometimes i feel like the road never leads to home
or that the line rings and no one answers
sometimes i feel like my life is like warm cookies fresh from the oven
or a cup of tea with a dash of sugar
sometimes i feel the love of friends like warm blankets fresh from the dryer
sometimes i feel the heartache of those i love like the pain of a widow, or mother grieving a lost child.....
sometimes i feel the comfort of prayer in a song or email
sometime i feel the compassion of Jesus from a phone call in the middle of the day or someone popping by the store
sometimes i feel the grace of God and mercy when the wind is cold and bitter and the sun is no where to be found....
sometimes i want to stomp my feet like a child and whine for no reason other than my mom will listen and make it better
sometimes i want to be in control of everything like a puppetmaster is in control of the puppet
sometimes i want to be free like the birds of the air or children on recess
sometimes i don't know what to feel, what to say or how to act. i don't know if my prayer is answered or its another unexpected twist.
i am afraid to hope
afraid to think he might get better
afraid to think what will happen with my friend who just found out she has the "c" word
i am afraid to believe that good things do happen
that he is safe and wants to get well
he might call me and tell me he wants to die again
she might call and tell me that the cancer has spread
he might not ever get out of the hospital
her hip might need surgery
the dog might eat my dinner again
sometimes i just want to stay in bed
other times i want to jump up and face the day
sometimes i want to shout and other times i want to scream

thoughts from my crazy mixed up blessed life

I like this new tag

my favorite thing to do

my favorite accessories

This is my favorite place to vacation

This is my favorite candy

This is one of my favorite movies

This is my favorite make-up

This is my favorite drink

So YOU are next...have fun and share your favorite things! Let me know if you do it so I can come check it out!

a few random things

...things i know
no matter how much i want Mike to get better, i have no control, power or ability to change his emotions and situation.
i have a talented daughter with an injury that i can't fix
our dogs were really loved while we were gone
my mom is really sick, and won't slow down to get well
randi jo is a great asset to our store team
its fun to be back in the store with tons of new product
my brother told us all vacation they were moving back to the NW and now he is interviewing in New Jersey, that is no where near Seattle on my map
my day job is busy and my boss is annoying
i found my dream camera in oregon for just 500.00
the ocean is good for the soul
i really like the Fall, i like cool nites and warm afternoons
i was able to attend a baby shower today for my friend April who is expecting her first little boy
i had a great drive with my dad to and from the beach. he is a smart, wise man, it was memorable

This and That!

Today was a fun day. We went to Newport with my brother and his wife and just walked on the harbor. We went to the fish market and ate some fresh salmon and just enjoyed the sunshine and salty air. Tonight I went w/mom, marge, dad and Jay to the Chinook Winds casino. I am not a gambler, I just like to watch. My mom and my aunt gave me 20.00 to play with. I played all nite. I won some bonus rounds and had a great time. I was shocked when they told me it was 11pm and time to go home. I couldn't believe I had lasted that long. Usually I am good for about an hour w/all the smoke and such. It was such a GREAT time. I loved it.

I talked with Mike today, it wasn't a great conversation and I knew something was wrong. I called back the nurse. She told me that he broke a mirror in his room yesterday so he could cut on his hands. It took them all day to figure out what was going on. They have since gotten all the glass removed and he is under their watchful eye again. I just wish/pray/hope that his OCD would settle down. He's really having a hard time right now. We need Jesus so much right now.

Tomorrow Jay and Kari fly back to Minnesota. My mom has been sick this whole trip and has barely left the house. Our house is huge. Its 3 levels, it has 5 bathrooms and 6 full bedrooms. There is a game room, a media room, a kitchen that seats over 20. There is a gas fireplace and all the furnishings are from either IKEA, Pier One or Pottery Barn. There was nothing spared. Its been such a lovely time of relaxing and being spoiled. I hope my mom will feel up to going to the outlet mall tomorrow. its just 2 blocks from our house. In the morning we are going to collect shells at the beach and take some pictures.

I am missing my dogs and my friends, but I am very relaxed and so grateful to be here. I have a wonderful family and friends in a gorgeous part of Oregon with the ocean just outside to keep me entertained.

PS If you want an Authentic COACH handbag for just 100.00 call me on my cell. We will be going back tothe COAST store tomorrow. They have some great styles, of course you will just have to trust me and my taste. But you know how I love COACH!

More from the beach

Mike is in the wait now. He is officially committed to the State Hospital system but he is on the waiting list. Its good because he will continue in the care of the doctor that he has had for the last few months. BUT.... I am sure you all know how I feel about that....
Also if by some miracle he gets better he doesn't have to go to the state hospital. Its an option. I believe he will go there for a time. I had a rough day with him and his social worker again. I am still in the I HATE EVERYONE in the medical profession mode. I am sick of crying over things I can't control.

Today we are going to Depoe Bay and Newport. Its sunny and pretty. We have friends visiting from Portland. Mom and Savanny are still sick but they are hanging in there!

please pray

As most of you know, I am out of town this week
I found out late tonight Mike has court tomorrow.
They didn't even call us to let us know
We thought it would have been next week and we could have sent a family member.
PLEASE pray that he would have peace and make it thru. He is really upset and worried
I know God is with him and with us.
Thanks friends!

My so called life

I ran out the door this morning at 7:30am and just walked in the door at 10pm.
It was a busy fun filled day.
The morning started with Mike's treatment team, and lots of frustration. They have decided to proceed with the commitment process again. I pleaded w/them to do the paperwork correctly this time.
My nite ended with an evening w/the LHS Varsity Soccer team. These girls are amazing. They made the nicest gifts for their folks. Tomorrow is their last home game and there will be a senior ceremony. It will be memorable for sure,.
In the middle of the day I completely tripped and fell on my way to lunch. I smacked the pavement with my knee. My good knee. Who knew? It was so weird. I sat there and felt so silly and thankful I wasn't hurt. Well now of course my knee is killing me and its stiff and sore.
How was your day?

Unbelievable..... and pet peeve

You are not going to believe this.....
So, my husband is not only in a psych hospital, he is in the ICU of his hospital. Supposedly he is in the most secure, safest environment. He has told me all weekend he is doing worse, he is waking up sucidual, and even plotted to steal the nurses keys so he could break into the med room and steal all the meds to overdose. Now thats bad.

Tonight I called to check on him 'cause he hadn't eaten and was doing poorly. The nurse, his nurse was flippant with me, almost as if she hadn't seen him all nite, in fact I asked about him and she told me he was up but she didn't know where, I knew he was asleep 'cause I had called to check on him. OMG she just admitted to me she hadn't seen him since 7pm. My husband in the ICU is located directly behind the nurses station, in their observation room, with video camers on 100% line of site. He is not allowed to be alone. But she didn't know how he was doing. I was so pissed. I hung up and called back asking for the charge, they transferred me 4 times to no where. I have to tell you there are a few things in life that I despise, using the phone and transferring is in the top 3. There is absolutely no excuse for not knowing how to work the phone. I finally hung up and called the main line, explained to the nice receptionist how pissed I was and she better have the %^$%^ charge nurse call me back tonight. Thankfully it was Jade who I had spoken with last nite and knew Mike. I was nice and firm, reminding Jade that I had no confidence in this process and his care, that it was completely unacceptable for a nurse to not know how a patient was doing when someone was in the ICU. I did not deserve to be treated that way and it would not happen again. In the meantime, I wanted reassurance that he was safe and asleep, that he wasn't able to purge and to see if he had eaten. I was less than cheerful but still decent. I am so done dealing with these people. I have a conference call tomorrow and of course I am asking my mom to be on the call. I have asked to speak to his less than competent doctor and will be asking for a 2nd opinion since this last med change is completely not working. I have had it. Mike then tells me that our insurance may not pay and he might have to go live with his mom since he can't come home. NOW that is a BRIGHT IDEA! I cannot believe that his social worker hasn't read the chart so she could see how toxic his mom is.. and how that would not work. He would surely die. don't you wish you were me???

Quick update

Today the store was busy! It was so fun. Nicole and Logan came in to shop, then Randi Jo and Addy stopped by, Randi is going to help out while we are away this week. She joins Amanda, Melissa and Tami, what awesome girls!!

I was able to chat with Mike a bit this weekend, he's having a hard time of it. Tomorrow we have yet another conference call. I am not hopeful that he is on the right track. He is really panicked that he is going to get kicked out of the hospital. I have stood my ground that he is not coming home, he is grasping at any plan. He even called his mom. I have to trust God is in control I am just not that trusting these days.

Two days till we hit the road to the beach. There are a ton of things to be done! The LHS Soccer team is coming in tomorrow nite to make some gifts for the seniors, they are GREAT girls. There are classes and carpools and Savan still has dance even though she is nursing an injured hip.

BTW I have the most amazing mom in the world. She spent the weekend cleaning my house. She pays someone to clean hers so her and Savan came and took my kitchen by storm. She is beyond amazing! Her birthday is Tuesday.

Meet Gracie!

I love puppies! I love them even more when they go home with someone else. Gracie is the newest Boxer puppy to our friends/family. Her owners work for my dad so she often comes to work. There is a ton of love in a puppy!

Something I might be learning

So today i drove early this morning to my life coach. I like that term better than "Dr so and so."It was pretty driving thru the palouse but nothing is that fun at 7am. She is an understanding and kind soul. I thought it was time to seek someone on a professional level that could help me make sense of this drama and also help me see new roles that I need to play rather than the ones we've tried that just haven't worked. She told me somethings that I liked and some that I didn't. One thing she told me was that there is a theory that all people can be divided into 3 basic personality types: 1) those that move towards other people 2) those that move away from other people and 3) those that move against other people. Having not met my husband she imagines from our conversations that I am defnitely one that is moving towards other people, I like the caretaker role, I like to be surrounded by others, I value relationship over all else, I like to promote good feelings among people, I will endure personal discomfort to do a good turn for the key people in their lives. And at times we find oursleves married to those that move away from other people, a la my husband. This type of person -asocial behavior and an almost indifference to others. If they don't get involved with others, they can't be hurt by them. While it protects them from emotional pain of relationships, it also keeps away all positive aspects of relationships. It leaves them feeling alone and empty. They want to be near but then push people away, the are creative in their needs and yet withdraw. She said that often happens that people who are getting healthy or working on "their lives" like Mike shift roles and its uncomfortable. As he works on himself I am supposed to stop taking care of him and start allowing him to be my husband instead of patient. When this was presented to me on Tuesday it was ugly. I was hurt and angry and basically flipped out. But when Dr Nicegirl explained it, I was okay with it intelluctually but still struggling with it emotionally. I have only really known caretaking with Mike. And now I need to sit back and let him take care of me. SHAW RIGHT? thats just not going to work out so well...... and I am scared.

Basically it comes down to this;

"If you can’t enjoy or bring acceptance to what you do, stop."
And just like that I realized that I wasn’t trapped in this marriage. I didn’t have to stay, but if I chose to stay, I needed to accept that this was the life I was living, with this husband, working with his mental illness and needing to figure out my own modifications/coping skills.
I decided to stay. I wanted to be married, and I got it. As soon as I made my the decision to accept the situation, a lot of my emotional turmoil went away. I was able to get my head into the game and get something out of it. It wasn’t awesome and I didn’t leave there feeling all warm and fuzzy but I felt better than when I arrived.
Acceptance is such a powerful tool, and she gave me a new way to think about it.

I am no where near well or happy. In fact I easily tear up, but I have a better perspective on this journey. Mike needs me as his wife, I am not good at boundaries, in fact I will vent about that later, but I need to stick to what I believe to be true and go from there. I need to accept what I have and work with it instead of against it.

My PEOPLE and her lack thereof

I was taking a quick break from my work today and eating some cottage cheese and this girl that I work with came in, she works in another department but in my same building. She is in her 50s and a little odd, nice but different. I have noticed over time she is pretty cynical and doesn't really like people. I like to talk with her 'cause I know she reads a lot, watches a lot of movies and I think she would be interesting, but the more time I spend I realize she is really unhappy. She often asks me about Mike and I comment on his status and then tell of someone who really blessed me recently, small things, like a quick email first thing in the morning, dinner fixed unexpectedly by a friend, lunch with a buddy, some positive to help me deal with the Mike drama. She confessed she could count her friends on less than 5 fingers. I was so instantly grateful and yet so sad for her. Grateful because I have "people" I mean real tried and true friends. Those that love me when its good, bad and worse. She recently decided that she wasn't going to be friends with one particular person after 32 years, it broke me heart. I need people in my life, I need to have the energy from those around me, to laugh, to listen, to share in their days, to enjoy their kids, jobs and homes. I need to have those that need me and those that I need. I have my "dog crazy" friends who put up with my animal stories, my shopping friends, scrapbooking-craft friends, movie/lunch friends, kid friends like those we meet up with at soccer, baseball and dance, church friends, school friends, awesome neighbor friends, lifelong friends, heck... work friends too. Those that make us smile when we want to scream, those that understand deeply without words and those that make me laugh with just their presence....

I never told this lady at work how sorry I felt for her, it would be awkward, instead I prayed for her and Thanked God for my people. I couldn't walk on this road without all of you. I couldn't make it without those that understand at times I am out of words... and just need to be.

I am going to try hard tomorrow, Thursday to be thankful again, I missing that from my life. I need to focus on the good and all that I have rather than what I don't and what I can't control. I hope this helps... its one more step towards smiling instead of tears...

Just another day in paradise

So, this morning I had a conference call with a whole slew of people that I don't like. There was the doctor, mike's therapist, the reviewer, the head of the counselors, me and my mom. It was to get a plan since yesterday all that we worked for was for not.
I had a ton of people tell me just to let God do this. blah blah blah. What does that mean? There is not an instruction booklet that comes with depressed spouses. Also it was determined that Mike was telling me one story and telling those in his hospital something entirely different. His therapist had a brillant idea that we should limit our conversations now to every other day and it can't be about him. First of all coming from a VERY bossy person, I don't do well with being told to do, let alone what to say or not say. I don't do well when I can't sleep in the middle of the nite sometimes I call the nurse to see if he's okay. For the last 10 years all I have done is take care of him, make sure he was happy, well, at work, not drinking, not cutting, not overspending, not reeling from talking his crazy mom, that he was not bored, etc. For 10 years we have spent all our energies on him. Now they are telling us that he has to be husband and not patient and I can't be caretaker and not wife. This is all good on paper, but I don't know what this looks like... I don't know how to be hands off. People tell me this is a good thing, and that oh I can rest now. I don't know what resting is... I go and then I sleep. Right now I don't want to sleep or go..... I can't plan... I am not good at much...

My dad has been travelling for 10 days and he comes home tomorrow. I called him today and cried, I realize how much I love my dad and need him. He is coming home just in time for his birthday on Thursday. I want to make him a card and something special. I am really blessed to have parents who truly love me.

This week my mom went way above and beyond... she not only took care of the both stores, made Savanny and I dinner she worked on our front yard. Our grass is doing well thanks to a great neighbor but they don't take care of the trees and bushes. She came over right after we left for work on Monday and blessed us. Tonight when I came home the driveway was all cleaned up. I am so blown away with how she thinks of me and takes care of me. She knows that that simple few hours was a true blessing. Her birthday is next week. I need some ideas of gifts, have anything up your sleeve?

MAJOR Vent time

If you've come here today then you might be "my people"
People that I trust to hear my heart and news and stuff today isn't pretty
Last week Mike was sent to the ICU of his hospital to be detained, the process is brutal and everday he has gotten worse. Detained means that he was going to be committed to a State Hospital and the state would provide his treatment services till he was safe to be in a group home or home. This process isn't fun and its difficult. Well today we found out that the judge/prosecutor dismissed the filing and there would not be court today. This is due to a law that states that a person can't be a voluntary patient in a hospital and be detained. He would have had to state to the examiner and the hospital staff that he wanted to leave and thats why they were detaining him. I feel betrayed, hurt, lied too and so many more feelings that I don't have words to express.

Last week when I got the phone call that Mike was going to have to go to the ICU in order to be detained. I knew it wasn't going to go well. I was told that it was part of the process, in order to get someone committed they had to be in the most acute care level. As mike was there he got worse and worse. I kept asking if they could program him, or make changes so that he would be able to be with people who were getting better and not just walking the halls talking to themselves. He got so bad yesterday that he wouldn't contract for safety, they had to take his clothing from his room so he didn't try to fashion something to choke himself. Anyway.... now today because this petition was filed incorrectly, I asked calmly, then refile the petition.... but the doctor who is an all knowing prick is back pedaling and is thinking they will pursue other treatment plans. holy fuck, did we just put this man thru absolute hell, and me too for nothing? I yelled at everyone today, the reviewer times two, the social worker, her supervisor, his old caseworker, my mom, hell even the dogs. I still feel horrible. I had to leave work 'cause I couldn't stop crying. My mom doesn't know what to do or how to help. I don't have any words to express my anger, my frustration, how pissed I am at mike that he doesn't want to live anymore, why is he putting me thru this, why doesn't he care about anyone else but himself. I want to throttle his mom for abusing him so badly as I child... and so on.

The worst part of all of this is that the new social worker today convinced mike that it was incredibly expensive to be in the State hospital and that there might be other options. who does she think she is? she has been his case manager for 5 fucking days, she didn't even know his history till friday. I have called, I have been nice, I have been not so nice, I have cried, I have thrown my hands up in the air, I have ranted, I have fell on the bed in utter exhaustion and still he doesn't want to live.

At this point, I fucking don't care. If he died in the hospital we would be rich and I would live on some island and you'all could visit me. If they let him out and he dies oh well. I am tired of trying. I want a happy life. I want to smile again and mean it. I don't want to spend a few hours with people and then run out of words. I want to have normal conversations that don't revolve around depression etc.

If one more person tells me to "take care of myself" I am going to kick them!

New idea

I have found some new projects I can't wait to tackle. My dad is out of town this week and I think that mom and I are going to craft tonight. It will be just like the old days. I am going to try to make something like this...

SWEAR!!!

I have decided that I like to swear. I mean really swear. Tonight I wore out the F word while telling me mom all about mike's week at the hospital and how often the story changed..... I need to be away from phones for the next 5-7 days or I am going to choke someone.

Savannah is excited to be goin to homecoming this weekend. She has a GREAT dress. I can't wait to take pictures and see her all dolled up with the girls.

What are you doin this weekend?

Welcome

So this is my new hang out. This is where its okay to laugh, cry, shout, stomp up and down and say it like it is. I might be happy and I might be sad but its my life and its way beyond any paper and therapy.