sometimes

sometimes i feel like I am on of those people walking down the street and there are just masses of people and I can't quite cross to where I need to go
sometimes i feel like i need to get off of a carnival ride and can't get the guy's attention to stop
sometimes i feel like the road never leads to home
or that the line rings and no one answers
sometimes i feel like my life is like warm cookies fresh from the oven
or a cup of tea with a dash of sugar
sometimes i feel the love of friends like warm blankets fresh from the dryer
sometimes i feel the heartache of those i love like the pain of a widow, or mother grieving a lost child.....
sometimes i feel the comfort of prayer in a song or email
sometime i feel the compassion of Jesus from a phone call in the middle of the day or someone popping by the store
sometimes i feel the grace of God and mercy when the wind is cold and bitter and the sun is no where to be found....
sometimes i want to stomp my feet like a child and whine for no reason other than my mom will listen and make it better
sometimes i want to be in control of everything like a puppetmaster is in control of the puppet
sometimes i want to be free like the birds of the air or children on recess
sometimes i don't know what to feel, what to say or how to act. i don't know if my prayer is answered or its another unexpected twist.
i am afraid to hope
afraid to think he might get better
afraid to think what will happen with my friend who just found out she has the "c" word
i am afraid to believe that good things do happen
that he is safe and wants to get well
he might call me and tell me he wants to die again
she might call and tell me that the cancer has spread
he might not ever get out of the hospital
her hip might need surgery
the dog might eat my dinner again
sometimes i just want to stay in bed
other times i want to jump up and face the day
sometimes i want to shout and other times i want to scream

thoughts from my crazy mixed up blessed life