I am so excited
I have a medical professional that I don't think should be on fire. Its a great thing
Savanny went to an amazing doctor today in Pullman. He is an orthopedic who specializes in athletes. He spent over an hour with her, had her do some ballet and really talked to her and listend. He didn't talk down to her, he didn't assume, he didn't automatically recommend surgical intervention. I am very relieved and very thankful. My mom said that he is a good person (I know this doesn't matter but right now I take character very seriously) She is going to have an MRI and see him next week. There is a possibility its her hip but more likely its her back. He is looking at L1, L2 and there is already... Scoliosis; is a medical condition in which a person's spine is curved from side to side, and may also be rotated. There is a pars defect at L5, but its likely from an earlier injury. (its a stress fracture)
finally good news ~ that feels good
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
do over
if i could have a do over of today
i would pay whatever it would cost
my heart is broken
i am spent
i am hurt, offended, and sad
i can't stop crying every time
i think of my meeting today at
the hospital. my goal is to make
it thru one more day at work.
today i let out random sobs
and continually wiped my eyes
i am thankful for savan
my dogs
my friends
my store....
maybe tomorrow i will be more okay
right now i just need a do-over
i would pay whatever it would cost
my heart is broken
i am spent
i am hurt, offended, and sad
i can't stop crying every time
i think of my meeting today at
the hospital. my goal is to make
it thru one more day at work.
today i let out random sobs
and continually wiped my eyes
i am thankful for savan
my dogs
my friends
my store....
maybe tomorrow i will be more okay
right now i just need a do-over
Sunday, October 26, 2008
more in my mixed up life....
I thought I might take the day off today from swearing.... but then I called to check on Mike that is never good.
... some of you I told that he was given the choice to carve pumpkins as rec therapy on Sat
do you think that its a good idea to give knives to someone who chooses to cut/carve on this hands, and is suicidual? Just asking
... today there were NO groups, nothing for him to do but sleep, smoke and watch TV. that is great when you are locked in a hospital and depressed. REAL great.
... here is where the swearing happens. I called to speak to him nurse. She told me she wouldn't talk to me, I could talk to Mike. I already did that and that is why I am calling. I wanted to know a general answer to a question. It was "what groups were offered to patients today" she told me she didn't work and she didn't know. I asked her to check that chart and tell me. She told me to call back and speak to the charge. I told her there was someone else I could talk too, she said no.
She interupted me, was disrespectful and wouldn't answer any questions. She told me to call back or talk to Mike. I wanted to know that my suicidual husband was safe and getting the help he needed, instead I was treated like I was an idiot. Oh for the love of anything that is good.... that lady is going to regret speaking to him like that and in that tone. Can you believe she wouldn't take time to tlak to me, she wouldn't tell me what they did today or even offer to reassure me that he was okay..... I will be speaking with her boss tomorrow and the director and my director. There will be answers. I mean it.
I thought this hospital was going to be different, I think someting is going wrong. you know?
... some of you I told that he was given the choice to carve pumpkins as rec therapy on Sat
do you think that its a good idea to give knives to someone who chooses to cut/carve on this hands, and is suicidual? Just asking
... today there were NO groups, nothing for him to do but sleep, smoke and watch TV. that is great when you are locked in a hospital and depressed. REAL great.
... here is where the swearing happens. I called to speak to him nurse. She told me she wouldn't talk to me, I could talk to Mike. I already did that and that is why I am calling. I wanted to know a general answer to a question. It was "what groups were offered to patients today" she told me she didn't work and she didn't know. I asked her to check that chart and tell me. She told me to call back and speak to the charge. I told her there was someone else I could talk too, she said no.
She interupted me, was disrespectful and wouldn't answer any questions. She told me to call back or talk to Mike. I wanted to know that my suicidual husband was safe and getting the help he needed, instead I was treated like I was an idiot. Oh for the love of anything that is good.... that lady is going to regret speaking to him like that and in that tone. Can you believe she wouldn't take time to tlak to me, she wouldn't tell me what they did today or even offer to reassure me that he was okay..... I will be speaking with her boss tomorrow and the director and my director. There will be answers. I mean it.
I thought this hospital was going to be different, I think someting is going wrong. you know?
Saturday, October 25, 2008
fuuny thing i heard today
i was able to see mike today.
it was the first time since early Aug
a hug never felt so real and so comforting
he smiled, we chatted, then he laughed.
i hope you find this as funny as we did
i asked him what his choices for fun were today
he told me a movie, or pumpkin carving....
that is where we laughed, i mean laughed
do they really allow patients in a psych ward
to CARVE pumpkins??????
we did get to go outside accompanied by a staff
and mike got to play with our dog buster.
it was really fun seeing them interact.
i just might make it now... at least for a few more days
it was the first time since early Aug
a hug never felt so real and so comforting
he smiled, we chatted, then he laughed.
i hope you find this as funny as we did
i asked him what his choices for fun were today
he told me a movie, or pumpkin carving....
that is where we laughed, i mean laughed
do they really allow patients in a psych ward
to CARVE pumpkins??????
we did get to go outside accompanied by a staff
and mike got to play with our dog buster.
it was really fun seeing them interact.
i just might make it now... at least for a few more days
Thursday, October 23, 2008
WARNING -HEAVY SWEARING....
Okay once again I am fighting off alligators who are eating my legs.
I started off my day by driving to pullman to see my life coach.....
I really like her, but I don't like that she asks me questions like this :" How do you cope with all that is going on?" I thought that I was there so she can give me some ideas to cope, obviously obscene amounts of diet coke isn't always working out so well.
Then I dealt with a store issue of a vendor who constantly fucks up before my mom could call and rip their heads off one by one. This is our album vendor and I can't afford to not do business with them, BUT they constantly don't do well on the billing and customer service.
Then I get to work only to find out that mike has not met with his therapist and won't likely see one till next Wednesday. He won't even be working on his treatment plan for at least a week. In the meantime he will likely become suicidual and that is a road I never want him to go down.
Then I got the call that Savannah needs several x-ray's. And we have to wait for the MRI till the doctor calls back. She was telling me how bad her hip hurt so I tried the doctor again in Pullman. His receptionist have told me several times that he doesn't take hips, but we have been told by three different people that we need to see him since she dances. The U of W ortho dance institute highly recommended him. So I tried again, the receptionist gave me grief and I started to cry, then suddenly I was talking to a girl named Amanda. She was his asst and stated the front desk was wrong and he took hip injuries in atheletes and we could even come see him next week. Can you imainge my relief. So tomorrow we go to Tri State and get x-ray's and then we will hand carry them to the appt next week. Only problem. I have training that day and no coverage, no back up plan. So my mom will have to take her. I would like to say that I am a superhero and can do it all but somewhere I have lost my cape and I am tired. My daughter is so important to me and I want her out of pain, I just don't know how to get out of work. FUCK FUCK FUCK! I have to work in order to live. Now I need to find someone to work at the store that day so mom can take her.
I need to rest and relax and watch stupid tv shows. I need to not worry about mike and savanny and just focus on diet coke and things that make me happy. Today I was told to not worry about mike he is safe and it will all fall into place..... in the meantime enjoy the fall leaves. oh my HOLY GOD how can I enjoy fall leaves or anything fun....... when the two I love are hurting so badly and I can't fix them.
I started off my day by driving to pullman to see my life coach.....
I really like her, but I don't like that she asks me questions like this :" How do you cope with all that is going on?" I thought that I was there so she can give me some ideas to cope, obviously obscene amounts of diet coke isn't always working out so well.
Then I dealt with a store issue of a vendor who constantly fucks up before my mom could call and rip their heads off one by one. This is our album vendor and I can't afford to not do business with them, BUT they constantly don't do well on the billing and customer service.
Then I get to work only to find out that mike has not met with his therapist and won't likely see one till next Wednesday. He won't even be working on his treatment plan for at least a week. In the meantime he will likely become suicidual and that is a road I never want him to go down.
Then I got the call that Savannah needs several x-ray's. And we have to wait for the MRI till the doctor calls back. She was telling me how bad her hip hurt so I tried the doctor again in Pullman. His receptionist have told me several times that he doesn't take hips, but we have been told by three different people that we need to see him since she dances. The U of W ortho dance institute highly recommended him. So I tried again, the receptionist gave me grief and I started to cry, then suddenly I was talking to a girl named Amanda. She was his asst and stated the front desk was wrong and he took hip injuries in atheletes and we could even come see him next week. Can you imainge my relief. So tomorrow we go to Tri State and get x-ray's and then we will hand carry them to the appt next week. Only problem. I have training that day and no coverage, no back up plan. So my mom will have to take her. I would like to say that I am a superhero and can do it all but somewhere I have lost my cape and I am tired. My daughter is so important to me and I want her out of pain, I just don't know how to get out of work. FUCK FUCK FUCK! I have to work in order to live. Now I need to find someone to work at the store that day so mom can take her.
I need to rest and relax and watch stupid tv shows. I need to not worry about mike and savanny and just focus on diet coke and things that make me happy. Today I was told to not worry about mike he is safe and it will all fall into place..... in the meantime enjoy the fall leaves. oh my HOLY GOD how can I enjoy fall leaves or anything fun....... when the two I love are hurting so badly and I can't fix them.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
mike is on the move
today is moving day for mike
he will transfer from Intermountain hospital in Boise
to the State Hospital North in Orofino
this is a blessing and a transition
i know its good
i know its right
i just want him well
please pray with us today
he will transfer from Intermountain hospital in Boise
to the State Hospital North in Orofino
this is a blessing and a transition
i know its good
i know its right
i just want him well
please pray with us today
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
sometimes
sometimes i feel like I am on of those people walking down the street and there are just masses of people and I can't quite cross to where I need to go
sometimes i feel like i need to get off of a carnival ride and can't get the guy's attention to stop
sometimes i feel like the road never leads to home
or that the line rings and no one answers
sometimes i feel like my life is like warm cookies fresh from the oven
or a cup of tea with a dash of sugar
sometimes i feel the love of friends like warm blankets fresh from the dryer
sometimes i feel the heartache of those i love like the pain of a widow, or mother grieving a lost child.....
sometimes i feel the comfort of prayer in a song or email
sometime i feel the compassion of Jesus from a phone call in the middle of the day or someone popping by the store
sometimes i feel the grace of God and mercy when the wind is cold and bitter and the sun is no where to be found....
sometimes i want to stomp my feet like a child and whine for no reason other than my mom will listen and make it better
sometimes i want to be in control of everything like a puppetmaster is in control of the puppet
sometimes i want to be free like the birds of the air or children on recess
sometimes i don't know what to feel, what to say or how to act. i don't know if my prayer is answered or its another unexpected twist.
i am afraid to hope
afraid to think he might get better
afraid to think what will happen with my friend who just found out she has the "c" word
i am afraid to believe that good things do happen
that he is safe and wants to get well
he might call me and tell me he wants to die again
she might call and tell me that the cancer has spread
he might not ever get out of the hospital
her hip might need surgery
the dog might eat my dinner again
sometimes i just want to stay in bed
other times i want to jump up and face the day
sometimes i want to shout and other times i want to scream
thoughts from my crazy mixed up blessed life
sometimes i feel like i need to get off of a carnival ride and can't get the guy's attention to stop
sometimes i feel like the road never leads to home
or that the line rings and no one answers
sometimes i feel like my life is like warm cookies fresh from the oven
or a cup of tea with a dash of sugar
sometimes i feel the love of friends like warm blankets fresh from the dryer
sometimes i feel the heartache of those i love like the pain of a widow, or mother grieving a lost child.....
sometimes i feel the comfort of prayer in a song or email
sometime i feel the compassion of Jesus from a phone call in the middle of the day or someone popping by the store
sometimes i feel the grace of God and mercy when the wind is cold and bitter and the sun is no where to be found....
sometimes i want to stomp my feet like a child and whine for no reason other than my mom will listen and make it better
sometimes i want to be in control of everything like a puppetmaster is in control of the puppet
sometimes i want to be free like the birds of the air or children on recess
sometimes i don't know what to feel, what to say or how to act. i don't know if my prayer is answered or its another unexpected twist.
i am afraid to hope
afraid to think he might get better
afraid to think what will happen with my friend who just found out she has the "c" word
i am afraid to believe that good things do happen
that he is safe and wants to get well
he might call me and tell me he wants to die again
she might call and tell me that the cancer has spread
he might not ever get out of the hospital
her hip might need surgery
the dog might eat my dinner again
sometimes i just want to stay in bed
other times i want to jump up and face the day
sometimes i want to shout and other times i want to scream
thoughts from my crazy mixed up blessed life
Sunday, October 19, 2008
I like this new tag
my favorite thing to do
my favorite accessories
This is my favorite place to vacation
This is my favorite candy
This is one of my favorite movies
This is my favorite make-up
This is my favorite drink
So YOU are next...have fun and share your favorite things! Let me know if you do it so I can come check it out!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
a few random things
...things i know
no matter how much i want Mike to get better, i have no control, power or ability to change his emotions and situation.
i have a talented daughter with an injury that i can't fix
our dogs were really loved while we were gone
my mom is really sick, and won't slow down to get well
randi jo is a great asset to our store team
its fun to be back in the store with tons of new product
my brother told us all vacation they were moving back to the NW and now he is interviewing in New Jersey, that is no where near Seattle on my map
my day job is busy and my boss is annoying
i found my dream camera in oregon for just 500.00
the ocean is good for the soul
i really like the Fall, i like cool nites and warm afternoons
i was able to attend a baby shower today for my friend April who is expecting her first little boy
i had a great drive with my dad to and from the beach. he is a smart, wise man, it was memorable
no matter how much i want Mike to get better, i have no control, power or ability to change his emotions and situation.
i have a talented daughter with an injury that i can't fix
our dogs were really loved while we were gone
my mom is really sick, and won't slow down to get well
randi jo is a great asset to our store team
its fun to be back in the store with tons of new product
my brother told us all vacation they were moving back to the NW and now he is interviewing in New Jersey, that is no where near Seattle on my map
my day job is busy and my boss is annoying
i found my dream camera in oregon for just 500.00
the ocean is good for the soul
i really like the Fall, i like cool nites and warm afternoons
i was able to attend a baby shower today for my friend April who is expecting her first little boy
i had a great drive with my dad to and from the beach. he is a smart, wise man, it was memorable
Sunday, October 12, 2008
This and That!
Today was a fun day. We went to Newport with my brother and his wife and just walked on the harbor. We went to the fish market and ate some fresh salmon and just enjoyed the sunshine and salty air. Tonight I went w/mom, marge, dad and Jay to the Chinook Winds casino. I am not a gambler, I just like to watch. My mom and my aunt gave me 20.00 to play with. I played all nite. I won some bonus rounds and had a great time. I was shocked when they told me it was 11pm and time to go home. I couldn't believe I had lasted that long. Usually I am good for about an hour w/all the smoke and such. It was such a GREAT time. I loved it.
I talked with Mike today, it wasn't a great conversation and I knew something was wrong. I called back the nurse. She told me that he broke a mirror in his room yesterday so he could cut on his hands. It took them all day to figure out what was going on. They have since gotten all the glass removed and he is under their watchful eye again. I just wish/pray/hope that his OCD would settle down. He's really having a hard time right now. We need Jesus so much right now.
Tomorrow Jay and Kari fly back to Minnesota. My mom has been sick this whole trip and has barely left the house. Our house is huge. Its 3 levels, it has 5 bathrooms and 6 full bedrooms. There is a game room, a media room, a kitchen that seats over 20. There is a gas fireplace and all the furnishings are from either IKEA, Pier One or Pottery Barn. There was nothing spared. Its been such a lovely time of relaxing and being spoiled. I hope my mom will feel up to going to the outlet mall tomorrow. its just 2 blocks from our house. In the morning we are going to collect shells at the beach and take some pictures.
I am missing my dogs and my friends, but I am very relaxed and so grateful to be here. I have a wonderful family and friends in a gorgeous part of Oregon with the ocean just outside to keep me entertained.
PS If you want an Authentic COACH handbag for just 100.00 call me on my cell. We will be going back tothe COAST store tomorrow. They have some great styles, of course you will just have to trust me and my taste. But you know how I love COACH!
I talked with Mike today, it wasn't a great conversation and I knew something was wrong. I called back the nurse. She told me that he broke a mirror in his room yesterday so he could cut on his hands. It took them all day to figure out what was going on. They have since gotten all the glass removed and he is under their watchful eye again. I just wish/pray/hope that his OCD would settle down. He's really having a hard time right now. We need Jesus so much right now.
Tomorrow Jay and Kari fly back to Minnesota. My mom has been sick this whole trip and has barely left the house. Our house is huge. Its 3 levels, it has 5 bathrooms and 6 full bedrooms. There is a game room, a media room, a kitchen that seats over 20. There is a gas fireplace and all the furnishings are from either IKEA, Pier One or Pottery Barn. There was nothing spared. Its been such a lovely time of relaxing and being spoiled. I hope my mom will feel up to going to the outlet mall tomorrow. its just 2 blocks from our house. In the morning we are going to collect shells at the beach and take some pictures.
I am missing my dogs and my friends, but I am very relaxed and so grateful to be here. I have a wonderful family and friends in a gorgeous part of Oregon with the ocean just outside to keep me entertained.
PS If you want an Authentic COACH handbag for just 100.00 call me on my cell. We will be going back tothe COAST store tomorrow. They have some great styles, of course you will just have to trust me and my taste. But you know how I love COACH!
Saturday, October 11, 2008
More from the beach
Mike is in the wait now. He is officially committed to the State Hospital system but he is on the waiting list. Its good because he will continue in the care of the doctor that he has had for the last few months. BUT.... I am sure you all know how I feel about that....
Also if by some miracle he gets better he doesn't have to go to the state hospital. Its an option. I believe he will go there for a time. I had a rough day with him and his social worker again. I am still in the I HATE EVERYONE in the medical profession mode. I am sick of crying over things I can't control.
Today we are going to Depoe Bay and Newport. Its sunny and pretty. We have friends visiting from Portland. Mom and Savanny are still sick but they are hanging in there!
Also if by some miracle he gets better he doesn't have to go to the state hospital. Its an option. I believe he will go there for a time. I had a rough day with him and his social worker again. I am still in the I HATE EVERYONE in the medical profession mode. I am sick of crying over things I can't control.
Today we are going to Depoe Bay and Newport. Its sunny and pretty. We have friends visiting from Portland. Mom and Savanny are still sick but they are hanging in there!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
please pray
As most of you know, I am out of town this week
I found out late tonight Mike has court tomorrow.
They didn't even call us to let us know
We thought it would have been next week and we could have sent a family member.
PLEASE pray that he would have peace and make it thru. He is really upset and worried
I know God is with him and with us.
Thanks friends!
I found out late tonight Mike has court tomorrow.
They didn't even call us to let us know
We thought it would have been next week and we could have sent a family member.
PLEASE pray that he would have peace and make it thru. He is really upset and worried
I know God is with him and with us.
Thanks friends!
Monday, October 6, 2008
My so called life
I ran out the door this morning at 7:30am and just walked in the door at 10pm.
It was a busy fun filled day.
The morning started with Mike's treatment team, and lots of frustration. They have decided to proceed with the commitment process again. I pleaded w/them to do the paperwork correctly this time.
My nite ended with an evening w/the LHS Varsity Soccer team. These girls are amazing. They made the nicest gifts for their folks. Tomorrow is their last home game and there will be a senior ceremony. It will be memorable for sure,.
In the middle of the day I completely tripped and fell on my way to lunch. I smacked the pavement with my knee. My good knee. Who knew? It was so weird. I sat there and felt so silly and thankful I wasn't hurt. Well now of course my knee is killing me and its stiff and sore.
How was your day?
It was a busy fun filled day.
The morning started with Mike's treatment team, and lots of frustration. They have decided to proceed with the commitment process again. I pleaded w/them to do the paperwork correctly this time.
My nite ended with an evening w/the LHS Varsity Soccer team. These girls are amazing. They made the nicest gifts for their folks. Tomorrow is their last home game and there will be a senior ceremony. It will be memorable for sure,.
In the middle of the day I completely tripped and fell on my way to lunch. I smacked the pavement with my knee. My good knee. Who knew? It was so weird. I sat there and felt so silly and thankful I wasn't hurt. Well now of course my knee is killing me and its stiff and sore.
How was your day?
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Unbelievable..... and pet peeve
You are not going to believe this.....
So, my husband is not only in a psych hospital, he is in the ICU of his hospital. Supposedly he is in the most secure, safest environment. He has told me all weekend he is doing worse, he is waking up sucidual, and even plotted to steal the nurses keys so he could break into the med room and steal all the meds to overdose. Now thats bad.
Tonight I called to check on him 'cause he hadn't eaten and was doing poorly. The nurse, his nurse was flippant with me, almost as if she hadn't seen him all nite, in fact I asked about him and she told me he was up but she didn't know where, I knew he was asleep 'cause I had called to check on him. OMG she just admitted to me she hadn't seen him since 7pm. My husband in the ICU is located directly behind the nurses station, in their observation room, with video camers on 100% line of site. He is not allowed to be alone. But she didn't know how he was doing. I was so pissed. I hung up and called back asking for the charge, they transferred me 4 times to no where. I have to tell you there are a few things in life that I despise, using the phone and transferring is in the top 3. There is absolutely no excuse for not knowing how to work the phone. I finally hung up and called the main line, explained to the nice receptionist how pissed I was and she better have the %^$%^ charge nurse call me back tonight. Thankfully it was Jade who I had spoken with last nite and knew Mike. I was nice and firm, reminding Jade that I had no confidence in this process and his care, that it was completely unacceptable for a nurse to not know how a patient was doing when someone was in the ICU. I did not deserve to be treated that way and it would not happen again. In the meantime, I wanted reassurance that he was safe and asleep, that he wasn't able to purge and to see if he had eaten. I was less than cheerful but still decent. I am so done dealing with these people. I have a conference call tomorrow and of course I am asking my mom to be on the call. I have asked to speak to his less than competent doctor and will be asking for a 2nd opinion since this last med change is completely not working. I have had it. Mike then tells me that our insurance may not pay and he might have to go live with his mom since he can't come home. NOW that is a BRIGHT IDEA! I cannot believe that his social worker hasn't read the chart so she could see how toxic his mom is.. and how that would not work. He would surely die. don't you wish you were me???
So, my husband is not only in a psych hospital, he is in the ICU of his hospital. Supposedly he is in the most secure, safest environment. He has told me all weekend he is doing worse, he is waking up sucidual, and even plotted to steal the nurses keys so he could break into the med room and steal all the meds to overdose. Now thats bad.
Tonight I called to check on him 'cause he hadn't eaten and was doing poorly. The nurse, his nurse was flippant with me, almost as if she hadn't seen him all nite, in fact I asked about him and she told me he was up but she didn't know where, I knew he was asleep 'cause I had called to check on him. OMG she just admitted to me she hadn't seen him since 7pm. My husband in the ICU is located directly behind the nurses station, in their observation room, with video camers on 100% line of site. He is not allowed to be alone. But she didn't know how he was doing. I was so pissed. I hung up and called back asking for the charge, they transferred me 4 times to no where. I have to tell you there are a few things in life that I despise, using the phone and transferring is in the top 3. There is absolutely no excuse for not knowing how to work the phone. I finally hung up and called the main line, explained to the nice receptionist how pissed I was and she better have the %^$%^ charge nurse call me back tonight. Thankfully it was Jade who I had spoken with last nite and knew Mike. I was nice and firm, reminding Jade that I had no confidence in this process and his care, that it was completely unacceptable for a nurse to not know how a patient was doing when someone was in the ICU. I did not deserve to be treated that way and it would not happen again. In the meantime, I wanted reassurance that he was safe and asleep, that he wasn't able to purge and to see if he had eaten. I was less than cheerful but still decent. I am so done dealing with these people. I have a conference call tomorrow and of course I am asking my mom to be on the call. I have asked to speak to his less than competent doctor and will be asking for a 2nd opinion since this last med change is completely not working. I have had it. Mike then tells me that our insurance may not pay and he might have to go live with his mom since he can't come home. NOW that is a BRIGHT IDEA! I cannot believe that his social worker hasn't read the chart so she could see how toxic his mom is.. and how that would not work. He would surely die. don't you wish you were me???
Quick update
Today the store was busy! It was so fun. Nicole and Logan came in to shop, then Randi Jo and Addy stopped by, Randi is going to help out while we are away this week. She joins Amanda, Melissa and Tami, what awesome girls!!
I was able to chat with Mike a bit this weekend, he's having a hard time of it. Tomorrow we have yet another conference call. I am not hopeful that he is on the right track. He is really panicked that he is going to get kicked out of the hospital. I have stood my ground that he is not coming home, he is grasping at any plan. He even called his mom. I have to trust God is in control I am just not that trusting these days.
Two days till we hit the road to the beach. There are a ton of things to be done! The LHS Soccer team is coming in tomorrow nite to make some gifts for the seniors, they are GREAT girls. There are classes and carpools and Savan still has dance even though she is nursing an injured hip.
BTW I have the most amazing mom in the world. She spent the weekend cleaning my house. She pays someone to clean hers so her and Savan came and took my kitchen by storm. She is beyond amazing! Her birthday is Tuesday.
I was able to chat with Mike a bit this weekend, he's having a hard time of it. Tomorrow we have yet another conference call. I am not hopeful that he is on the right track. He is really panicked that he is going to get kicked out of the hospital. I have stood my ground that he is not coming home, he is grasping at any plan. He even called his mom. I have to trust God is in control I am just not that trusting these days.
Two days till we hit the road to the beach. There are a ton of things to be done! The LHS Soccer team is coming in tomorrow nite to make some gifts for the seniors, they are GREAT girls. There are classes and carpools and Savan still has dance even though she is nursing an injured hip.
BTW I have the most amazing mom in the world. She spent the weekend cleaning my house. She pays someone to clean hers so her and Savan came and took my kitchen by storm. She is beyond amazing! Her birthday is Tuesday.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Meet Gracie!
I love puppies! I love them even more when they go home with someone else. Gracie is the newest Boxer puppy to our friends/family. Her owners work for my dad so she often comes to work. There is a ton of love in a puppy!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Something I might be learning
So today i drove early this morning to my life coach. I like that term better than "Dr so and so."It was pretty driving thru the palouse but nothing is that fun at 7am. She is an understanding and kind soul. I thought it was time to seek someone on a professional level that could help me make sense of this drama and also help me see new roles that I need to play rather than the ones we've tried that just haven't worked. She told me somethings that I liked and some that I didn't. One thing she told me was that there is a theory that all people can be divided into 3 basic personality types: 1) those that move towards other people 2) those that move away from other people and 3) those that move against other people. Having not met my husband she imagines from our conversations that I am defnitely one that is moving towards other people, I like the caretaker role, I like to be surrounded by others, I value relationship over all else, I like to promote good feelings among people, I will endure personal discomfort to do a good turn for the key people in their lives. And at times we find oursleves married to those that move away from other people, a la my husband. This type of person -asocial behavior and an almost indifference to others. If they don't get involved with others, they can't be hurt by them. While it protects them from emotional pain of relationships, it also keeps away all positive aspects of relationships. It leaves them feeling alone and empty. They want to be near but then push people away, the are creative in their needs and yet withdraw. She said that often happens that people who are getting healthy or working on "their lives" like Mike shift roles and its uncomfortable. As he works on himself I am supposed to stop taking care of him and start allowing him to be my husband instead of patient. When this was presented to me on Tuesday it was ugly. I was hurt and angry and basically flipped out. But when Dr Nicegirl explained it, I was okay with it intelluctually but still struggling with it emotionally. I have only really known caretaking with Mike. And now I need to sit back and let him take care of me. SHAW RIGHT? thats just not going to work out so well...... and I am scared.
Basically it comes down to this;
Basically it comes down to this;
"If you can’t enjoy or bring acceptance to what you do, stop."
And just like that I realized that I wasn’t trapped in this marriage. I didn’t have to stay, but if I chose to stay, I needed to accept that this was the life I was living, with this husband, working with his mental illness and needing to figure out my own modifications/coping skills.
I decided to stay. I wanted to be married, and I got it. As soon as I made my the decision to accept the situation, a lot of my emotional turmoil went away. I was able to get my head into the game and get something out of it. It wasn’t awesome and I didn’t leave there feeling all warm and fuzzy but I felt better than when I arrived.
Acceptance is such a powerful tool, and she gave me a new way to think about it.
And just like that I realized that I wasn’t trapped in this marriage. I didn’t have to stay, but if I chose to stay, I needed to accept that this was the life I was living, with this husband, working with his mental illness and needing to figure out my own modifications/coping skills.
I decided to stay. I wanted to be married, and I got it. As soon as I made my the decision to accept the situation, a lot of my emotional turmoil went away. I was able to get my head into the game and get something out of it. It wasn’t awesome and I didn’t leave there feeling all warm and fuzzy but I felt better than when I arrived.
Acceptance is such a powerful tool, and she gave me a new way to think about it.
I am no where near well or happy. In fact I easily tear up, but I have a better perspective on this journey. Mike needs me as his wife, I am not good at boundaries, in fact I will vent about that later, but I need to stick to what I believe to be true and go from there. I need to accept what I have and work with it instead of against it.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
My PEOPLE and her lack thereof
I was taking a quick break from my work today and eating some cottage cheese and this girl that I work with came in, she works in another department but in my same building. She is in her 50s and a little odd, nice but different. I have noticed over time she is pretty cynical and doesn't really like people. I like to talk with her 'cause I know she reads a lot, watches a lot of movies and I think she would be interesting, but the more time I spend I realize she is really unhappy. She often asks me about Mike and I comment on his status and then tell of someone who really blessed me recently, small things, like a quick email first thing in the morning, dinner fixed unexpectedly by a friend, lunch with a buddy, some positive to help me deal with the Mike drama. She confessed she could count her friends on less than 5 fingers. I was so instantly grateful and yet so sad for her. Grateful because I have "people" I mean real tried and true friends. Those that love me when its good, bad and worse. She recently decided that she wasn't going to be friends with one particular person after 32 years, it broke me heart. I need people in my life, I need to have the energy from those around me, to laugh, to listen, to share in their days, to enjoy their kids, jobs and homes. I need to have those that need me and those that I need. I have my "dog crazy" friends who put up with my animal stories, my shopping friends, scrapbooking-craft friends, movie/lunch friends, kid friends like those we meet up with at soccer, baseball and dance, church friends, school friends, awesome neighbor friends, lifelong friends, heck... work friends too. Those that make us smile when we want to scream, those that understand deeply without words and those that make me laugh with just their presence....
I never told this lady at work how sorry I felt for her, it would be awkward, instead I prayed for her and Thanked God for my people. I couldn't walk on this road without all of you. I couldn't make it without those that understand at times I am out of words... and just need to be.
I am going to try hard tomorrow, Thursday to be thankful again, I missing that from my life. I need to focus on the good and all that I have rather than what I don't and what I can't control. I hope this helps... its one more step towards smiling instead of tears...
I never told this lady at work how sorry I felt for her, it would be awkward, instead I prayed for her and Thanked God for my people. I couldn't walk on this road without all of you. I couldn't make it without those that understand at times I am out of words... and just need to be.
I am going to try hard tomorrow, Thursday to be thankful again, I missing that from my life. I need to focus on the good and all that I have rather than what I don't and what I can't control. I hope this helps... its one more step towards smiling instead of tears...
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