tell me again why...

i would trust anyone in the medical profession any longer..
my husband tells me a week ago that he has red blood in his stool
today he tells me in addition to that he is peeing bright red blood.
but no one cares.... its the weekend, don't you know?

mike tells me there is no one there till tomorrow.
I finally can't take it anymore
I call back and some asshole who tells me he is mike's med nurse
tells me this isn't an urgent issue. I let him know that if he were
home we would haul his sorry ass to the urgent care and get some
antibiotics. This sorry sucker of a nurse tells me we have a
differing of opinion and send me to the charge
this nicer nurse Brian tells me he doesn't know anything about
blood, i repeat the story, he tells me he will get right on it.
i am so pissed i could spit nails. I tell ya if mike isn't successful
in killing himself while locked away in a hospital by God they will.

a full day

While many of you were fighting the crowds for the perfect holiday gifts....today I went to work at the normal time and stopped off to get some breakfast at Taco Time. When I got to the window I handed the girl my money and she wouldn't take it, she told me that person in front of me paid and said Merry Christmas. It was such a blessing and a random act. It really made me smile.

I had lunch w/my dear friend Michelle Bly. She is such a pal to me, I can't describe it. She is a successful, intelligent, beautiful person who loves God and her whole being lights up, but she is fierce if given the chance. We share our hearts freely and she is a dear to me.

After work I met Savannah at the Festival of Trees. She was helping with all the dancers from River City. We were able to see Caylie and Ashlyn do their tap as well! Lookin' good girls!!!

We found some ice cream and then were off to a memorial service. My good pals, Kim and Brian, their grandma Mary passed away last week. Tonight was a time of sharing and prayers. It was so special, she truly loved the Lord and impacted so many lives. I was able to steal away Shelby and Taylor Cook and Nicole Kraut (my friends daughters) for a craft nite at the store. It was great seeing the girls smile and laugh when they were crying just moments before. They are amazing cousins, all very unique, loving and kind. It was such a memorable nite and I am thankful their folks allowed me some time with them. Savannah fit right in with them like she was a cousin.

Finally home and off to bed.... to do it all again tomorrow nite.

Being Thankful

I wanted to be Thankful today in photos and links... just to have fun....

Tami, Cori, Amanda, Melissa, Jean, Randi Jo, Brenda and so many more make me smile,

put up with me and help me find my way......

and those far away that are dear to me. Steph, Laurie, and too many to list.

(these are all in random order)

play along

this is kind of fun what kind of thanksgiving side dish are you?
I am Green Bean casserole!

just thoughts

things that make me smile
diet coke (surprise surprise)
my dogs
project runway and top chef
dinner at Fazzari's with savan
watching savannah dance
random emails from friends
fresh baked cookies
creating at my store

things make me want to kick someone
professional photographers with horrible customer service
my daughters back brace
medical bills on my counter
depression and ocd
rainy days
too much laundry
nosy co-workers
not being able to fix the world
slow drivers on main street

confused...

this is a weird time for me
half of me wants to be so excited that its the holidays.
great music playing in the background,
lights on all the houses as you drive down the street
decorations going up all over

but half of my life is missing
mike is gone and at times i miss him horribly
i don't really know what i miss
he has been sick for a long long time
and he's never done well around the holidays
but i miss having him here. i miss just being in his presence
i miss jake too. its just been since march that he moved to his mom's

the kids usually spent Thanksgiving with their mom
'cause she did a big ole spread
thankfully this year savannah is staying home
I don't know what I would do if she left

i worked at the store today
making a darling vintage set of joy letters and a matching snowman
but the whole time i was sad
i don't plan on being sad, it just comes upon me
mike's birthday was Friday and he didn't want us to come and celebrate
this week will be Thanksgiving
i have to work at the State and hopefully help out at the store too

i want smile sincerely
laugh freely
and enjoy my family
but in reality i am sad, lonely and feeling awkward
those are way out of my character.....

some people will do caffeine free or chocolate free
I do Mike free (afterall diet coke has caffeine)
I went 4 days without talking to him
I needed a mental break
time to not sulk and worry to not fret with an upset stomach
instead to try to be happy and rest.

there was a power crafting nite with close friendsi
a craft fair with a ton of friends and new faces
an 85th birthday party with Mrs Jones
more work, grocery shopping and more

today he finally called.. funny he asked me why I hadn't called
ironic.... i told him i was on a break.
thankfully randi jo showed up at the store and needed help
so I got to hang up and not have this long drawn out conversation
he would have reminded me how hard it is being away, blah blah blah.

stop the world and let me off

so i have been sick for a few days, just a common cold but i am not getting better.
to top it off i have an upset stomach as well, my friends would atribute that to stress... i just find it annoying cause really i have a life like everyone else, right?

today i left work early.
let me back up to yesterday to tell you why
mike and i were talking... just trying to carry on a conversation
and he told me he was really scared 'cause he was going to have a blood draw and
he has had thoughts of stealing the syringe and killing himself w/ it
he told me that they were going to have extra staff available for safety etc.
what is hard for me is that these intusive thoughts are directly his OCD, they is only a .02% chance that he would act on them. This staff doesn't take time to remind him that he is okay
they can work with him on this, to really encourage him to get well. instead its like they create
him to be a monster. after talkin to him for a few times I finally called the nurse to tell her of my concerns.

today i got a phone call from his clinician (who is my contact person) and mike was there too
it was this long drawn out conversation, i won't bore you with the details, but it was stressful and sad for me. I was told that if i ever think mike isn't safe i am to tell him and he is to tell the nurse. I can't call and check on him at all. I can only check with him. i know I am not using enough words but mike has been gone since july. By choice I have only seen him twice. when I see him its an in 8 x8 room for about 20-30 mins. There are times that I just need reassurance that he is okay and I am not allowed to get that. I feel helpless and hopeless and that staff could careless. in reality this is just about him and they don't give a damn about the family. i am so sick of him being in this perfect place, getting everything he needs, being told when to sleep, when to eat, how to feel, what to think and i am on the outside, not seeing him, not able to be near him or touch him, not able to know he is okay. not able to see the progress they tell me about instead just hear how sad he sounds on the phone or how hopeless he is. he constantly is making plans to kill himself or escape so he can get killed. yet.. no one cares about how i feel about that.
the hardest part of all of this is that really our whole family is sick, we all got sucked into the vortex of his alcoholism, depression and suiciduality but he is the only one who gets help. Sure I have the most amazing friends in the world who love me beyond belief, and listen to me and although have no clue what I am feeling or need stick with me and try their best. they don't know that at times I pray that I don't end up just like him, (they know NEVER EVER to think of taking me to a 5th floor, remember there is no diet coke there and I only go where there is diet coke) they don't see the tears as I drive home or make yet another single parent decision, they don't see the frustration as I read the mail and glance at the basket of medical bills. no one can really know what its like to wonder why on earth would i love someone who at times hates me, is horrible and so sick. i don't have words to explain or defend, i don't know what makes mike tick, we don't get to talk about what we are going to do for his birthday, our 10 year anniversary or that we need to get some laundry done. heck.... my tub hasn't been cleaned in a month and i could care less... people my husband wants to die everyday it seems to be a little more important then the shine on my bathroom floor. my husbands illness is lonely and selfish and wrong, but i sad "I do, I will and yes Lord" 10 years ago and until God rains on my parade and lets me know here I am.... but I still ask.. when does it end, when do we get better, when do we feel okay, when do we sleep thru the nite and not wake up worried that the phone is ringing, when will i come home from work and he is making dinner or we go to lunch and laugh, when do i get to be near him again? i am tired of being strong and keeping it together. i am tired of smiling when things aren't okay. you know?

i want to look forward to the holidays and to the decorations, sites and sounds. I want to hear the music and be hopeful, instead I am just sad and i am tired of talking about it.

a day away

woke up with a cold. darn it, now who gave it to me?
12 minute orthodontist appointment, what was the point?
michaels- fun things for the store
didn't feel like Sangria, now I must have been feeling ill to not want Sangria
so we had Denny's and I had breakfast. Pure comfort food
Orthopedic surgeon, he is fully invested in seeing Savannah dance again
the MRI ruled out disc problems and still indicate a fracture in her back
he has order a bone scan and also a cat scan. Then back again next week
we are closer but she can't dance yet.

i am sure this will make you laugh...
mike called me and told me he is making plans to get out of the hospital
i of course asked many questions about what those plans would look like
he just didn't know. the reality is he is no where near ready to come home
he is just as sick as when he was admitted this summer.

We need people to work this weekend on some projects, let me know if you are interested
We need to craft, craft, craft!

agenda for Thursday

can you say SLEEPIN' IN!
we don't have to be in Pullman 'till 11am
that means we aren't leaving until 10:15... woohoo!
Orthodontist @ 11am
lunch at Sangria
Orthopedic surgeon 1:45pm
maybe some Michael's fun
then home

what a day! I think we need a day

just when you think...

I thought maybe 'cause the sun was shining and the rain went away I might be okay.
I might have a better attitude and not so much pure hate for anyone in the medical field
but I am wrong.
How many times has someone in our family been to Tri State recently? I mean come on, how many? Well today Savan had her MRI so I thought instead of torture her I would go along
wrong, huge mistake. I am pissed again.
pissed because there are laws that make no sense. pissed because my 17 year old is smart and able to make her own decisions, I can't go into the treatment room, I can't even know what the treatment is, but she can't have the MRI without my signature. unless its pregnancy related. let's just clarify that yes I am UBER THANKFUL that she isn't pregnant but come on as long as I am paying what does it matter that I am there. Remember this is my blog so don't flame me and say that I have to sign, blah blah blah. If she were in a car wreck they would treat her without me being there. don't deny it.

I know I know you are sick of me complaining. I just don't have enough vacation/sick time to go to every little thing that she doesn't need me for. What if I had someone take her like I often do, Amanda, Jamie, etc. could they have signed? only God knows.

I think this will make you laugh. I didn't go see Mike this weekend. I just couldn't. I needed to have a mike free weekend. I needed to rest my mind. He told me today that he was plotting his escape. But I am not allowed to tell anyone with this current plan they have in place. I am supposed to tell him to tell someone. CHA RIGHT~ like he is going to do that!

With OCD the more he obsesses with an escape plan the worse he gets but the reality is... no one cares but me 'cause its not about me. I am still really pissed, I mean MAD about the way I was treated last week. I am trying to focus my energy on my store an the things I am good at rather than the shitty not fun things in my life. Queenie has some plans up here sleeves in the next few weeks. So watch out, we might show up where you least expect us...

a good day

thanks to two amazing girls i had a day off today
it was needed and good
we ran a few errands
strolled thru JoAnn's and braved our way thru WalMart
i don't ever recommend that
we then landed at Jean's.
we visited, listened to great music
she made us an amazing dinner
and we played cards
i got lost in someone else's world today
savan and i just were
that is rare for us and yet so good

thanks tami and cori. i love you. i mean really thank you for today