stop the world and let me off

so i have been sick for a few days, just a common cold but i am not getting better.
to top it off i have an upset stomach as well, my friends would atribute that to stress... i just find it annoying cause really i have a life like everyone else, right?

today i left work early.
let me back up to yesterday to tell you why
mike and i were talking... just trying to carry on a conversation
and he told me he was really scared 'cause he was going to have a blood draw and
he has had thoughts of stealing the syringe and killing himself w/ it
he told me that they were going to have extra staff available for safety etc.
what is hard for me is that these intusive thoughts are directly his OCD, they is only a .02% chance that he would act on them. This staff doesn't take time to remind him that he is okay
they can work with him on this, to really encourage him to get well. instead its like they create
him to be a monster. after talkin to him for a few times I finally called the nurse to tell her of my concerns.

today i got a phone call from his clinician (who is my contact person) and mike was there too
it was this long drawn out conversation, i won't bore you with the details, but it was stressful and sad for me. I was told that if i ever think mike isn't safe i am to tell him and he is to tell the nurse. I can't call and check on him at all. I can only check with him. i know I am not using enough words but mike has been gone since july. By choice I have only seen him twice. when I see him its an in 8 x8 room for about 20-30 mins. There are times that I just need reassurance that he is okay and I am not allowed to get that. I feel helpless and hopeless and that staff could careless. in reality this is just about him and they don't give a damn about the family. i am so sick of him being in this perfect place, getting everything he needs, being told when to sleep, when to eat, how to feel, what to think and i am on the outside, not seeing him, not able to be near him or touch him, not able to know he is okay. not able to see the progress they tell me about instead just hear how sad he sounds on the phone or how hopeless he is. he constantly is making plans to kill himself or escape so he can get killed. yet.. no one cares about how i feel about that.
the hardest part of all of this is that really our whole family is sick, we all got sucked into the vortex of his alcoholism, depression and suiciduality but he is the only one who gets help. Sure I have the most amazing friends in the world who love me beyond belief, and listen to me and although have no clue what I am feeling or need stick with me and try their best. they don't know that at times I pray that I don't end up just like him, (they know NEVER EVER to think of taking me to a 5th floor, remember there is no diet coke there and I only go where there is diet coke) they don't see the tears as I drive home or make yet another single parent decision, they don't see the frustration as I read the mail and glance at the basket of medical bills. no one can really know what its like to wonder why on earth would i love someone who at times hates me, is horrible and so sick. i don't have words to explain or defend, i don't know what makes mike tick, we don't get to talk about what we are going to do for his birthday, our 10 year anniversary or that we need to get some laundry done. heck.... my tub hasn't been cleaned in a month and i could care less... people my husband wants to die everyday it seems to be a little more important then the shine on my bathroom floor. my husbands illness is lonely and selfish and wrong, but i sad "I do, I will and yes Lord" 10 years ago and until God rains on my parade and lets me know here I am.... but I still ask.. when does it end, when do we get better, when do we feel okay, when do we sleep thru the nite and not wake up worried that the phone is ringing, when will i come home from work and he is making dinner or we go to lunch and laugh, when do i get to be near him again? i am tired of being strong and keeping it together. i am tired of smiling when things aren't okay. you know?

i want to look forward to the holidays and to the decorations, sites and sounds. I want to hear the music and be hopeful, instead I am just sad and i am tired of talking about it.