Just another day in paradise

So, this morning I had a conference call with a whole slew of people that I don't like. There was the doctor, mike's therapist, the reviewer, the head of the counselors, me and my mom. It was to get a plan since yesterday all that we worked for was for not.
I had a ton of people tell me just to let God do this. blah blah blah. What does that mean? There is not an instruction booklet that comes with depressed spouses. Also it was determined that Mike was telling me one story and telling those in his hospital something entirely different. His therapist had a brillant idea that we should limit our conversations now to every other day and it can't be about him. First of all coming from a VERY bossy person, I don't do well with being told to do, let alone what to say or not say. I don't do well when I can't sleep in the middle of the nite sometimes I call the nurse to see if he's okay. For the last 10 years all I have done is take care of him, make sure he was happy, well, at work, not drinking, not cutting, not overspending, not reeling from talking his crazy mom, that he was not bored, etc. For 10 years we have spent all our energies on him. Now they are telling us that he has to be husband and not patient and I can't be caretaker and not wife. This is all good on paper, but I don't know what this looks like... I don't know how to be hands off. People tell me this is a good thing, and that oh I can rest now. I don't know what resting is... I go and then I sleep. Right now I don't want to sleep or go..... I can't plan... I am not good at much...

My dad has been travelling for 10 days and he comes home tomorrow. I called him today and cried, I realize how much I love my dad and need him. He is coming home just in time for his birthday on Thursday. I want to make him a card and something special. I am really blessed to have parents who truly love me.

This week my mom went way above and beyond... she not only took care of the both stores, made Savanny and I dinner she worked on our front yard. Our grass is doing well thanks to a great neighbor but they don't take care of the trees and bushes. She came over right after we left for work on Monday and blessed us. Tonight when I came home the driveway was all cleaned up. I am so blown away with how she thinks of me and takes care of me. She knows that that simple few hours was a true blessing. Her birthday is next week. I need some ideas of gifts, have anything up your sleeve?

MAJOR Vent time

If you've come here today then you might be "my people"
People that I trust to hear my heart and news and stuff today isn't pretty
Last week Mike was sent to the ICU of his hospital to be detained, the process is brutal and everday he has gotten worse. Detained means that he was going to be committed to a State Hospital and the state would provide his treatment services till he was safe to be in a group home or home. This process isn't fun and its difficult. Well today we found out that the judge/prosecutor dismissed the filing and there would not be court today. This is due to a law that states that a person can't be a voluntary patient in a hospital and be detained. He would have had to state to the examiner and the hospital staff that he wanted to leave and thats why they were detaining him. I feel betrayed, hurt, lied too and so many more feelings that I don't have words to express.

Last week when I got the phone call that Mike was going to have to go to the ICU in order to be detained. I knew it wasn't going to go well. I was told that it was part of the process, in order to get someone committed they had to be in the most acute care level. As mike was there he got worse and worse. I kept asking if they could program him, or make changes so that he would be able to be with people who were getting better and not just walking the halls talking to themselves. He got so bad yesterday that he wouldn't contract for safety, they had to take his clothing from his room so he didn't try to fashion something to choke himself. Anyway.... now today because this petition was filed incorrectly, I asked calmly, then refile the petition.... but the doctor who is an all knowing prick is back pedaling and is thinking they will pursue other treatment plans. holy fuck, did we just put this man thru absolute hell, and me too for nothing? I yelled at everyone today, the reviewer times two, the social worker, her supervisor, his old caseworker, my mom, hell even the dogs. I still feel horrible. I had to leave work 'cause I couldn't stop crying. My mom doesn't know what to do or how to help. I don't have any words to express my anger, my frustration, how pissed I am at mike that he doesn't want to live anymore, why is he putting me thru this, why doesn't he care about anyone else but himself. I want to throttle his mom for abusing him so badly as I child... and so on.

The worst part of all of this is that the new social worker today convinced mike that it was incredibly expensive to be in the State hospital and that there might be other options. who does she think she is? she has been his case manager for 5 fucking days, she didn't even know his history till friday. I have called, I have been nice, I have been not so nice, I have cried, I have thrown my hands up in the air, I have ranted, I have fell on the bed in utter exhaustion and still he doesn't want to live.

At this point, I fucking don't care. If he died in the hospital we would be rich and I would live on some island and you'all could visit me. If they let him out and he dies oh well. I am tired of trying. I want a happy life. I want to smile again and mean it. I don't want to spend a few hours with people and then run out of words. I want to have normal conversations that don't revolve around depression etc.

If one more person tells me to "take care of myself" I am going to kick them!

New idea

I have found some new projects I can't wait to tackle. My dad is out of town this week and I think that mom and I are going to craft tonight. It will be just like the old days. I am going to try to make something like this...

SWEAR!!!

I have decided that I like to swear. I mean really swear. Tonight I wore out the F word while telling me mom all about mike's week at the hospital and how often the story changed..... I need to be away from phones for the next 5-7 days or I am going to choke someone.

Savannah is excited to be goin to homecoming this weekend. She has a GREAT dress. I can't wait to take pictures and see her all dolled up with the girls.

What are you doin this weekend?

Welcome

So this is my new hang out. This is where its okay to laugh, cry, shout, stomp up and down and say it like it is. I might be happy and I might be sad but its my life and its way beyond any paper and therapy.